Journal Entries Part 1- miscarriages
I kept a digital journal starting when we were placed with babe, our foster baby to keep track of dates, milestones, case info, etc.
I continued adding entries about each of my miscarriages and now continue with baby #3.
This is a compilation of those entries..
Miscarriage #1
Dec 30, 2021
We went to my first ultrasound today.
That giant screen right in your face and all we see is a big black hole. Completely empty. The tech says “so here is your gestational sac and what I’m seeing is there is no baby inside of it”
I spend the next few hours talking with the ob about the next steps, getting bloodwork and trying to convince myself that this is just how things were meant to go. How could I mourn something that doesn’t exist? I probably absorbed the cells early because it doesn’t look like a placenta is present. How weird is it that I’ve been talking to and about something that didn’t exist. We were celebrating something that didn’t exist.
I’m home now and I am terrified to tell James. I want others to know but I don’t want to talk about it.
James took it well probably because I cried and he felt he needed to be strong for me. Which makes me feel guilty.
Dec 31, 2021
We let more people know today. I randomly cry in short bursts. My mom hung out with me today and that helped.
Jan 2, 2022
I started to expel the sac today and seeing that blood was the greatest most messed up feeling in the world. How could someone be happy about this? But to me this means no D&C, no pills. I’ll hopefully pass it all naturally and move on.
Jan 3, 2022
Bloodwork shows my levels are dropping quickly. I no longer need the next ultrasound and as long as my levels drop back to 0 and I stop bleeding I won’t need surgery. Fingers crossed that is the case.
Jan 4, 2022
I bled A LOT tonight. My cramps were the worst I’ve ever had I stood in the hot shower for what felt like forever just watching it all flow down the drain like a stream. It was almost calming to watch between the cramps, like peacefully watching my fear of surgery disappear down the drain.
Jan 5, 2022
Well tonight I believe I expelled the sac. I began getting extremely horrible cramps 10 mins out from Warren. I ended up feeling 3 big gushes and bled through my black khaki pants in my first house where I had to ask to use her restroom then mortifying ask for toilet paper as there was none in her bathroom. I spent the rest of the session crouched because I couldn’t sit on the furniture.
The bathrooms at gas stations witnessed a mess of HUGE fist sized blood clots and changes of pants between each session but I made it through all 4 hour long sessions before heading home. I text James on the way home when I pulled over to get through a few hard cramps. They were unbearable at one point and he thought he may have to come get me. The only thought in my head was “just get closer to home”.
Jan 16, 2022
It’s been 2 weeks since I started my miscarriage. The bleeding has finally ended. I’ve been told by the OB to continue on with life and try again.
My heart hurts, I spontaneously cry when I’m alone and I’ve had some really tough conversations with people over the last 2 weeks. I’m glad to be past it but will I ever really be past it???
Miscarriage #2
May 16, 2022
I am so afraid of tomorrows ultrasound. What if there isn’t anything on the screen again? James is going with me this time and I’m worried about how he will react or how I will because I don’t want to put on a brave face again like I had to do with Kaylee when she attended my first pregnancy ultrasound. I almost wish I could go alone.
May 17, 2022
Driving up to the ultrasound office now. I can’t breathe I’m so nervous.
Checked in, sat in a different chair as if that was going to make this baby be in there.. same room as the last app. Hearts pounding and huge sigh of relief! There is a baby on the screen!!! The woman is quiet, too quiet. She keeps going back over the baby and pausing. Taking measurements over and over. Again a pause over the baby.
We found out today that the baby has no heartbeat.. I knew it before the tech even had to say it. There was no movement from the baby. There was no flicker of hope for a heartbeat. There was no life.
I told James when the woman walked out that something was wrong and he tried to convince me everything was fine and not to say that until someone comes back with news. But I knew.
We left that app and back to the OB we go for another miscarriage talk.
This woman gave me choices and was much more kind than the previous. She spoke more with us and explained things this time that I had to google after the last app I had in that office months prior. The fear of surgery crept back in but I knew I was going to let my body handle this if at all possible.
May 28, 2022
I still have symptoms of pregnancy. The awful all day nausea, constipation and fatigue. Why is my body still making me go through all of these terrible symptoms when you stopped growing weeks ago.
I know the logical answer is because my placenta is still in there releasing hormones but that’s not the point. This is just cruel.
June 8, 2022
Some days I barely think about it at all. Which makes my heart hurt in a way. Other days it’s like everything around me is a reminder that you were here but now your gone, in a spiritual sense of course because your sweet little body is still here with me. I see social media posts like this one of an ultrasound where you can see movement and a heartbeat and my own heart just sinks as I remember seeing stillness on that screen.
Wherever you are sweet babe, know you are so loved.
June 9, 2022
I wake up now and forget. I forget I’m carrying one of my most precious gifts. And then I remember and I feel guilty for forgetting in the first place and also sad thinking of the reality.
You’re here but you’re not. It’s such a strange concept.
June 17, 2022
It’s been a month since we found out your heart wasn’t beating.
I started to bleed a little again and cramping pretty bad but it stopped midafternoon. I’m not sure what you’ll look like when you do finally make your appearance. Will you look like a tiny baby or will you just be a bundle of cells?
June 29, 2022
I’m not sure why you haven’t come out yet. The OB did say the process could take my body 8 weeks or more to complete. Will it really take that long? A few friends have shared their prolonged carrying of a baby with no life in it. I’m not sure if it makes me feel better or just sad that so many people close to me have experienced this heartache too.
July 12, 2022
I went to complete the bloodwork for my miscarriage today but at least I’ll get to learn my blood type! The same woman who did the bloodwork for my first miscarriage was there today. She’s so soft spoken and kind. She made me feel heard and expressed condolences without it feeling awkward. I appreciated that kindness today.
Update: they didn’t complete the testing for my blood type so we still don’t know.
July 20, 2022
Heavy bleeding started again today. Is it going to happen soon? I’m starting to become worried that it won’t happen and I’ll need a D&C. People keep asking me about my miscarriage and I know they mean well but when I tell them you’re little body is still within my womb I get strange and worried looks and words of concern. Things like “why are they making you keep it in there?, why won’t they take it out? How come it’s taking so long? Are they going to make you get the procedure to remove it?”. I know they are worried about me but it’s another conversation where I have to educate them and explain that I am choosing this option, it’s my baby and my body, I know the warning signs of infection and hemorrhaging, I am not at high risk, I will go to the ER if I feel something is wrong… the list goes on. It’s becoming exhausting so I’ve just stopped talking about it with most people for now.
July 23, 2022
Passed the baby today.
On my first baby’s due date.. on my little sisters birthday. Does that mean you share a birthday now? Even though you weren’t alive for months now??
I had heavy cramping all afternoon and around 4pm I passed a very large dark mass. It looked different than the big blood clots so I removed it from the toilet, rinsed it at the sink and examined it. Is that too gross? Too weird?? It came from my body and I want to know what it is plus what if it’s info I need to be able to tell medical staff if something happens??
I notice a small ball of flesh colored tissue amongst the dark red tissue so I used my finger to move it. I swear with every piece of my being when I went to move it over I saw a tiny little hand with distinct tiny little fingers wrapped around the side of my index finger. I stood frozen at the bathroom sink. This little ball of tissue just had to be my baby. There was no doubt in my mind. As I moved it around a little more the tissue fell apart and turned to mush. I wrapped the entire mass into toilet paper and put it in a plastic bag. If this is my baby, I am going to bury it.
I told James about what happened and he agreed with me to bury it behind the house.
We chose a spot up on the hill below big trees where James dug a hole and we covered the spot with a large rock.
I named her Isabelle
July 27, 2022
HEAVY CRAMPS have started again. I have no idea why since I stopped bleeding days ago and I assumed it was all over with.
The cramps turned into real labor where contractions lasted 60-90 seconds and increased to every 1-2 mins around 1am.
I spent over an hour in the shower with my head on a towel, laying on the floor of the tub just letting the super hot water run over my bath and hips. I feel the wave start and it consumes me. Between contractions I think I started to doze off and the hour went by quickly. I had no strength left in me but I needed to get out of the tub.
2 am I fell asleep between contractions in bed as they died down some until I just didn’t wake up from them anymore.
July 28, 2022
Wen went to the ER today because my contractions started up again around 9:30am. Just as strong and fast as they were the night before. I became afraid something was wrong and I didn’t want to die at home on James’ watch.
We got to the ER and it took 25mins for someone to get me from the empty waiting room where I squatted in front of a chair and cursed during contractions as people walked by. Finally I was seen by someone and it took another hour to get pain meds. They gave me a small amount of morphine because I’ve never had it before. It took the edge off of wanting to flop onto the floor of that room but it didn’t take it away. More morphine 30 mins later and it’s almost 12:30. I’m waiting for the ultrasound for another hour or so. The girls finally came to get me and wow what a story that is! I’m not 100% sure but I can almost bet no one else has delivered their placenta in the bathroom in the ultrasound area before…
We got home and rest is all I want now.
(There is a blog post about this story named TRIGGER WARNING… Empty Womb)
August 6, 2022
The cramps and bleeding have finally stopped. I have to go see an OB for a follow up.
August 8, 2022
HA that was a joke.
Went to see the local OB today where they proceeded to tell me and I quote “if you were my patient I would have scheduled you for a D&C the day we saw the pregnancy wasn’t viable. It’s like an abortion, except it’s not because the baby is already dead”. I was also shamed for “wasting time not trying for another baby” and asked “was it worth it to wait all that time and go through that pain?”
My hope in the medical world was greatly decreased today.
August 9, 2022
HCG is back to normal range
Ultrasound was clear
The go ahead to try again
Bloodwork for progesterone levels by my PCP were done today so we will see what’s next.
August 30, 2022
I think of both babies often. When I see announcements, baby posts on SM, baby items at the stores. I’m not sure if I’m ready to start trying again just yet. I do know I’m NOT using an OB at all next time.
Sept 5, 2022
I got my period today. My body is good at getting right back into rhythm after my losses. I suppose I’ll start tracking ovulation again.
Oct 7, 2022
According to the app I missed my period this morning.
I took a strip test and it faintly says pregnant!!
I’ll buy stick tests today after my first session!
Took them in the sheetz bathroom because I couldn’t wait to get home and they say POSITIVE!!! I can’t wait to tell James!
I surprised him with a box of lucky charms in the cabinet. He had no idea. Is it strange that each time this happens all I feel is happiness? The doubt doesn’t creep in until the high wears off.
Pregnancy #3 TO BE CONTINUED…
