Giant Black Hole
The 50+ conversations I have had over the past 2 weeks draws me towards sharing this most recent experience with others. Healing begins when you are able to find an outlet for those thoughts and feelings.
Let’s back track a bit.
My husband and I were married in September 2021. We had previously talked about that next step of starting our family shortly after the knot was tied. We also became licensed foster parents the summer before our wedding and were placed with our first child back in November 2021 when he was only a few days old. Both of us have always dreamed of being parents and were excited for that chapter of our lives. The day after babe was placed with us I began to feel symptoms like random onset sickness for no reason. I had an inkling that I may be pregnant so that Friday I stopped at the store to grab a test. Talk about judgmental looks when you have a newborn in your shopping cart as you’re bent down picking out a pregnancy test. That evening after an inner battle over taking the test or waiting until the following day, I caved and the most faint pink line appeared. I read and reread the directions for the test confirming that even the most faint line equaled a positive test. I told my husband and the look of shock on his face made me laugh. He made the comment that if we still had babe in our care come summer we would have a household with 2 children 9 months apart.
This idea was both terrifying and exciting. As weeks passed our heads became more wrapped around the idea and those feelings changed to just excited for the next chapter of our life. Bloodwork was completed on my birthday and came back positive. Again the looks I received as I carried my newborn foster son into the lab for pregnancy confirmation were everything but supportive. The pregnancy symptoms increased so we shared the exciting news with our close family and friends. The first ultrasound was scheduled and the waiting game began.
Fast forward a few weeks my sister, babe and I are all up bright and early to head to the ultrasound. At this point I am about 8 1/2 weeks along. The entire 35 minute drive I felt as if I was holding my breath. I had voiced to a few people over the days leading up to the appointment how I was worried something was wrong. I just had this gut feeling something wasn’t right. Everyone assured me these feelings were completely normal and everything would be fine. We get into the ultrasound room. If you ‘ve never experienced an ultrasound picture a medical table with a giant monitor hanging right at the foot of the bed.
She begins the ultrasound and a picture comes up on the screen. All I see is a giant black hole. The ultrasound technician begins to speak and it was as if she was talking in slow motion. “So what I am seeing here is a gestational sac but I do not see a baby inside of it”…
I go into my personal trauma autopilot. I say “okay” then she asks a few questions I don’t remember answering. While she takes measurements of the gestational sac the room falls silent with the exception of her mouse clicking. This feels as if hours pass while my mind races. She tells me she is going to talk with her doctor. The door closes and I look to my sister. “How is that even possible? What does that mean? I didn’t know THAT could happen” My sister agrees, she also had no idea how or why this happened.
We head to the OB where I google “gestational sac but no baby” in the waiting room. I learn that a blighted ovum happens with about 50% of first trimester miscarriages where due to what they believe is chromosomal problems the fetus never develops or begins to develop then stops and the body simply absorbs the cells but continues to grow a gestational sac and sometimes even the placenta. I likely absorbed the cells within the first few weeks of the pregnancy.
The OB spats out a bunch of directives followed by the words “schedule you for surgery” and from that moment on I couldn’t think, nor process any other information. I was the 19 year old who panicked over my wisdom teeth.. I do not do well with news of surgery.
Bloodwork was scheduled 3 times 48 hours apart with a follow up ultrasound because now they were unsure if the pregnancy was just not as far along as they think therefore something could still show up. This gave me a conflicting sense of false hope. I knew deep in my soul there was no baby but hearing each person say it was a possibility gave my heart a flicker of hope.
Before I could even get my bloodwork back, I began to bleed.. expelling the empty gestational sac.
After bloodwork #2 I got the call confirming my levels were dramatically dropping and I was in fact experiencing a miscarriage. The ultrasound was cancelled and I made the choice to wait and see if my body would naturally take care of the process itself before choosing the route of surgery.
It did, over the next week my body did as it instinctually knows. That experience was a whole other story that I may find the courage to publicly share for others knowledge of what to expect at a later date.
For me, the hardest part of that ultrasound day was knowing I had to tell my husband there was no baby. I knew it would break his heart. I impatiently waited for him to come home from work and I broke the news where he held my limp sobbing body offering me all the support he could probably muster up. We have had conversations about what happened and decided together that we will try again when the timing is right.
It is weird thinking we were talking to and making plans for a baby that wasn’t in existence anymore.
It is confusing to mourn the loss of a baby we never laid eyes on.
It is hard to feel like you’re mourning the loss of an idea and plans.
Now I sit here 2 weeks from that day with mixed feelings of sadness, frustration and peace.
I share this experience with you today because I felt cheated lying there on that bed staring at the giant black hole on a screen not knowing what or why or how.
I share this with you to inform you of your options because I had to educate myself and advocate for my body to do what it naturally knows after feeling pressured by the Dr. to comply with her plans of surgery.
This topic needs more education, more insight, more sharing, and more community.
To learn, to grow, to be informed before looking up at that huge screen.
To not feel so alone.
