WARNING: Details of my miscarriages ahead.
What’s “normal”??
I’ve had so many conversations over the last 7 months with women who have experienced a miscarriage (Or multiple).
Every single conversation contained a story of what that experience was like for them.
Every single story was different.
The part I have struggled with the most when it comes to my miscarriages isn’t the loss of a baby but actually the fear of the unknown.
I had no clue what to expect for the first and even now after having one previously I still have no idea what to expect.
Miscarriage #1
Thursday- Found out at the 10 week ultrasound the baby had been absorbed early on and no placenta was present in the gestational sac.
Saturday- Started bleeding lightly
Sunday- Bleeding was heavy and contractions were strong with fist sized blood clots being passed. I spent most of the day sitting on the toilet because that position was the most comfortable or in the shower sitting on the floor of the bathtub.
Monday- Bleeding was back to being light and I thought I was through the worst of it..
I was so wrong.
Tuesday- On my way to Warren county, after a typical day at my school job, I began to have very strong contractions. Like make you dizzy, light headed, bend you in half kind of contractions. Only 20 minutes away I decided to “tough it out” thinking it would only last a short time. Walked into my first EI home to start therapy and only made it 10 minutes before asking to use their restroom because even though I was wearing a decent pad I could feel the gushes of blood reach my legs. Thankfully I was wearing black pants! To my horror the bathroom downstairs HAD NO TOILETPAPER…
So now not only am I in shock and terror that I am passing more fist sized blood clots in another family’s bathroom but I embarrassingly had to ask for toilet paper through the cracked bathroom door..
I return to therapy for another 25 minutes before cutting the session short because I again could feel gushes of blood and was petrified of bleeding on their floor. The pains were enough to make me stop talking mid sentence but to my knowledge the mom had no idea why I was acting so strange.
I use the towel in my car to protect my seat and rush to the gas station up the street.
20 minutes in the gas station bathroom, a change of clothes and additional pads later I feel like I could manage the next session.
Sessions 2 and 3 weren’t as horrific as the first but I sat in 1 spot on the hard floors and stopped at that gas station restroom between each one needing to change my pants each time due to the walk to my car after sitting still for an hour. (I’m sure the staff thought I was up to no good as I stopped there 3 times that day for 20+ minutes each time and never purchased a thing).
My ride home consisted of sitting on a towel and even harsher cramping.
By the following morning (Wednesday) the cramps were gone and I was back to barely bleeding.
Within a few more days it was as if my body had never experienced pregnancy or miscarriage at all. Life went on and I got a period just 5 weeks after this devastating loss.
Fast forward to May 17th at the 10 week ultrasound where we discover that baby #2 doesn’t have a heartbeat.
The OB left me with the following instructions at my 10 week appointment:
Let your body have time to recognize the pregnancy is no longer viable.
If you have severe pains, fever or extreme blood loss go to the ER.
If the miscarriage hasn’t started by week 18 call us.
Got it.
I thought I knew what was to come.
Oh how I was wrong again.
Week after week passed and I experienced absolutely nothing. No cramping, no pregnancy symptoms, no bleeding. It was as if I had never gotten pregnant. Some mornings I would wake up and forget that there was still physically a baby in there.
It was hard not to worry. But they told me it could take up to 8 weeks for my body to start the process itself. So I waited. And waited. And waited.
Finally at week 16,
16!!!!!!
I started to bleed lightly and the next morning I was awoken by hard contractions that lasted a few hours off and on. I passed some tissue.
Over the last 2 weeks I get random hours of decent bleeding, some tissue will pass but nothing in comparison to the first miscarriage.
My heart was heavy when I completed the bloodwork last week that will check my HCG level.
Tonight I reflect on this whole journey and keep my fingers crossed that the OB will have good news on my bloodwork and I won’t need a D&C.
Part of me thinks it’s over, part of me isn’t sure that the baby itself has been expelled yet..
And the worrying continues.
All miscarriages are different. Each experience is unique. Talking about them is what will help us as women feel less in the dark when they happen. Because the sad truth is they happen.. way more frequently than most of you realize.
