Sweet Baby #3

So as I sit here 1 day off of 8 weeks gestation I can’t help but wonder and worry, is it in there? Is it alive? Is there a heartbeat? Will there continue to be a heartbeat?????

Baby #1 was absorbed early.. how could my body keep acting like it was pregnant for so long when it wasn’t? Awful nausea, awful constipation, awful cravings until week 10 when I passed the gestational sac.

Baby#2 stopped growing around 8 weeks… I carried her to 19 before giving birth. And my body stilllll thought it was pregnant until about 12 weeks.

Baby #3 symptoms are very different this time around. Barely ever sick, almost no constipation from raging hormones, wild dreams, EXTREMELY tired ALLLL the time.

I am holding on to this outcome being as different as the symptoms have been.

I’ve been asked if I worry about telling everyone so early when the outcome hasn’t been what we wanted twice now. Although it’s hard to share the news that the baby is no longer living..

I can whole heartedly answer that with “no”. Because the transparency I have had since the first pregnancy has allowed for me to process through and let go of being afraid of others opinions. The more people who know, the more support we have and early on that’s important as there are many other fears.

Things I find myself struggling with this time.

Believing the baby is in there.

Believing it’s healthy.

The thoughts of going through the whole miscarriage process again haunts me.

The fear of never giving birth to a living child.

Seeing other people share their early ultrasounds and thinking “oh gosh what if their baby doesn’t make it!?”

Living with a current pregnancy after loss just isn’t the same simple joy.

I’m so happy for the couples that get their 6 week ultrasound and wholeheartedly have no doubt that they are having a baby in 34ish weeks.

It’s kind of wild if you really think about it. There are those mama’s who haven’t lost a child and those of us who have and it’s like we live on two separate planets. The feelings, the fears and the experiences are just vastly different.

Some may be surprised to know but I don’t have even an ounce of jealousy or resentment like some may think I would when I see these early announcements full of pure joy and no doubts.

I’ve also seen more mamas in my SM newsfeeds sharing their previous or current miscarriage journeys and while it deeply hurts my heart for them, it simultaneously fills my soul that they aren’t hiding.

There is a freeing feeling to talk about these babies and these experiences. They matter just as much as the posts about labor, delivery and bringing baby home from the hospital.

To all the mamas surviving a loss, may your rainbow baby find you.

To those supporting these families, your job is an important one and we are forever grateful.

To this little peanut growing in my belly, may I get to meet you earth side, healthy and thriving.