Heavy Heart
Foster care comes with its fair share of heart breaking moments.
I have experienced many heavy heart moments over the past 2 1/2 months.
All of which include sadness for not only babe but also his mom.
Doctors Appointment
After that first night of survival mode we woke up bright and early to head to his first pediatrician appointment 45 minutes from home.
The entire drive I cried off and on as all I could think was…
Why am I the one taking him to this first appointment?
Why do I deserve to be the one?
His mommy should be here.
She is supposed be the one speaking with the doctor about her sons health.
This isn’t fair, this isn’t right, this hurts.
But we made it there. My eyes red and puffy I carried him into that medical center and found the peds department. I walk up to the window and provide his name but they are unable to find him in the system because his “name” to them was “boy of _(moms name)_”. They ask if I have any insurance info for him and I quickly present them with that one page signed document stating I was legally allowed to bring him to the appointment and state,
“This is all I was given, I have nothing else”.
I sat in that waiting room staring down into his car seat at his sleeping little 4 day old face with a heavy heart.
2. Visitation
We knew about a week and a half in advance what day he’d have his first 2 hour supervised visitation with his mom. I had a lot of anxiety about that first visit. I know that it sounds crazy to be anxious because she carried him for 9 months and I had only known him for 2 weeks leading up to this moment. I believe a part of me was nervous she wouldn’t show up or if she did she wouldn’t connect with him the way everyone hoped because the sad truth is sometimes that happens.
I watched the clock at work all day as hour after hour ticked by.
Just as I was about to leave work to pick him up and drive him to visitation my phone rang with an unknown number. My heart sank as I answered.
“Hello Ms. Walls, My name is ___ from ____. I am just calling to tell you we haven’t been able to reach mom, therefore visitation for this evening is being cancelled.”
My heart broke. How could it be. I just don’t understand. He hasn’t seen his mommy in 2 whole weeks.
I drove home in tears.
I cried for this sweet babe who hasn’t felt the touch of his mommy or heard her voice since the day he left the hospital.
I cried for his mom who hasn’t laid eyes on her newborn in 2 weeks.
I went to bed that night with a very heavy heart.
3. Smiles and night feedings
The first time babe smiled big and let out this loud giggle in excitement my heart swelled. As he did it again and again while I spoke to him that feeling crept in..
He’s over a month old now and his mommy hasn’t seen his bright blue eyes in so long or witnessed this beautiful new smile.
She hasn’t experienced the way your heart swells when he lets out that absolutely joyous giggle.
Then nighttime falls and it’s 2am. He’s awake for a quick snack and then back to sleep.
His bright blue eyes glimmer in the dampened light. He pushes the bottle aside with his tongue and smirks with just one side of his mouth.
He now smiles with his eyes too. The way they squint and his blonde little brows go up.
He stares at my face like he is looking right into my soul. He feels he is safe, warm and loved. His eyes flutter shut and he releases the bottle from his little pink lips.
I stare back at him grateful to provide for him, to love him.
As I lay him into his cot my heart gets heavy.
She should be putting him to sleep.
She is supposed to be holding him for nighttime feeds staring into those marble blue eyes that she created.
4. Christmas
As you can imagine this one was hard.
Waking up Christmas morning in cute Christmas jammies to a house filled with people who love him.
Opening gift after gift from our parents and siblings and Santa of course.
He spent the entire day never in a seat or swing but in everyone’s arms all snuggled up.
Once the excitement of the day died down and we were back home just the three of us that feeling crept in again.
He was supposed to experience his first Christmas with his mommy.
She was supposed to open his first Christmas presents from Santa.
She was supposed to spend the day holding him in his cute Christmas outfit.
She should be the one tucking him in to bed.
I go to bed with mixed emotions.
Blessed to have these memories with him and a heavy heart for both babe and his mommy.
The past 2 1/2 months have filled my heart and our home with so much happiness and love.
But in the world of foster care, happiness and love come with a price.
This world requires you to pay in the form of tears and heavy hearts.
