Misunderstood- Foster Care
When you sign up to become a foster parent there are so many questions and thoughts that run through your mind. Some of those thoughts include what other people are going to think about your choice.
Now I know “who cares what other people think?” right? but when those people are your support system it does matter… to a point. Then there are those random strangers who will ask you questions or make comments as well.
As a foster parent you need to care what others think BECAUSE you need to have an arsenal of come backs ready for the second they are needed. It is your place to educate others on the world of foster care. I say these phrases to my speech kids all the time..
“people make fun of things they do not understand”
“people ask strange questions when they do not understand”
“people get angry when they do not understand”
I am going to provide you with the “come backs” I have recently used (or someone I know has used) to help others better understand our mindset as foster parents.
“Aren’t you afraid you’ll become too attached?”
I hope I become “too attached”!! Did you know that from the moment you are born you begin to form attachment with other humans?
Secure, Anxious-Ambivalent, Disorganized and Avoidant
These are the 4 main types of attachment styles.
From the moment we are born our needs are met by other human beings (or we die). The way in which others meet our needs such as hunger, fear, pain, etc. determines the attachment style that gets engrained into our being. If our needs are met with compassion like a soothing tone of voice, timely response to our cries, attention, eye contact and a comforting touch then our attachment style is “secure”. Having a secure attachment style means that throughout our lives we are able to form trusting relationships with others. A secure attachment style is also linked to higher emotional intelligence, self confidence, and appropriate social skills.
Birth to 18 months of age is the most critical time period for developing attachment styles.
BUT this doesn’t mean we are stuck in one style for our entire lives. Older children and even adults can work through their attachment style to form secure attachment later in life.
We can also go from secure attachment to anxious-ambivalent, disorganized, or avoidant attachment styles at any point in our life such as a toddler losing a parent, divorce, or going into care.
Bottom line is I hope I become “too attached” to the child in my home regardless of their age and I hope they form a secure attachment with my family as well.
“I couldn’t possibly give them back.”
When you choose to become a foster parent you take an oath to protect and care for the children in your home. You also take an oath to do what is absolutely best for said children. A child being reunited with mom, dad, or a family member is the hope and always the top priority when they come into care. Children who are reunited with their family don’t suffer the aftermath of abandonment and not having familial ties. The children who are not reunified are often left with many questions and a load of confusion as they grow and develop even if the family they grew up in and as a part of were absolutely amazing. When you choose to become a “foster” parent you are understanding that the children who come into your care are not “yours”.
“His/her mom/dad is a ____.” “How could their mother/father not want them?”
Most of the time these statements are made out of misunderstanding and frustration. As a foster parent we have a deep rooted understanding that the child in our care came from this person (mom or dad) and as upset and frustrated as we may also get at times we have to remember that parents don’t just “give up” their children for no reason. Often times the parents themselves have suffered/experienced trauma, and/or have one of the unsecure attachment styles. Often times parents don’t have a support system to help and encourage them to take care of a child when times are tough. Maybe they don’t have enough money, enough support, enough understanding, or education for resources. Parents don’t simply give up their children because they don’t care about them. This is always in the forefront of my mind.
“What are you going to do if he/she goes back to a family member?”
We are going to grieve the loss of a child we held so dear while simultaneously cheering for the family to be successfully reunited.
“I could never do what you’re doing.”
You could. Anyone who has compassion could. It just takes a lot of education and understanding.
So rather, it isn’t that you “couldn’t” it’s more that you wouldn’t want to.
“I don’t want to become too attached.”
Secure attachment is a beautiful thing. Whether reunified or adopted you are giving a child the most important piece to their life puzzle. You’ll be setting them up for success through confidence, emotional intelligence and positive/safe relationships with others in their future.
When you put a positive spin on the word “attached” you change your perspective.
“I don’t support your decision.” “We didn’t sign up, you did.”
You don’t have to agree with our decision to foster but if you cannot support our decision you are choosing not to be a part of our life. We understand that bringing children into our lives who may only stay a little while also effects our friends and family. We understand we chose to sign up for foster care and you did not. It is your choice to be a part of our new family lifestyle or not.
It is always the goal to reunify children with their families but I would be naïve to say children don’t become adopted due to change in the plans goal for one reason or another. In this case if any child we foster were to have a change in their plans goal and we were to adopt the child keep in mind when you chose not to be a part of their life as a foster child, you were also choosing not to be a part of their life if they were to become adopted. Foster children deserve to have foster families and by “families” I mean people like “aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents” to also love on them, teach them and participate in their life whether they are reunified or adopted down the road.
“They are so lucky to have you guys.”
Although it is great that the child has a warm, safe place to stay with people who will make sure their needs are being met it is important to note that they can’t possibly be “lucky” for being removed from their family. It isn’t lucky to be abandoned. It isn’t lucky to have parent’s who are struggling. It isn’t lucky to have to live somewhere that isn’t your own home with your own family.
They may be grateful for us but they aren’t lucky.
“Are you fostering because you can’t have children yourself?”
People often assume that you become a foster parent when you aren’t able to reproduce your own biological children. This question is very gut wrenching for the individuals who do actually struggle to have biological children. This question is frustrating for the individuals who will eventually have their own biological children. Sometimes our first thought is “why is that any of your business?”
But remember…
“people ask strange questions when they do not understand”
“people get angry when they do not understand”
Some people choose to foster if they are unable to biologically have children. Some people choose to foster when they already have biological children. Some people chose to foster when they don’t currently have biological children but plan to have biological children.
The reason is always the same regardless of the familial make up.
We choose to foster because we recognize a need and feel we are able to help.
“When are you going to have your own children?
This one has hit me square in my face recently. As many of you who follow my blog already know, my husband and I experienced a miscarriage in Jan. 2022. When people ask a question like this they are unintentionally taking a hit at those of us who have experienced a loss or have difficulty with conceiving. Being a foster parent doesn’t take away from the experience of having biological children. Wanting to have biological children doesn’t take away from the love, compassion and drive behind being a foster parent. Instead of questioning when a family will have biological children, offer support for the children currently in their home.
I hope these responses have helped to provide a little insight to our minds as foster parents.
If you have learned something, have a story to share, or want to chat more about one of these responses-please reach out :)
