Pregnancy After a Loss
No one really speaks about miscarriage or infant loss; therefore, no one really speaks about how it feels to get pregnant again after experiencing a loss.
It’s a strange mix of feelings to say the least.
Finding out I was pregnant again at 4 weeks along was exciting but at the same time unbelievable.
Like literally unbelievable.
I can say 8 weeks into this pregnancy there are days where I feel like I may not really be pregnant, despite the awful nausea that lasts all day and all night or the total exhaustion that occurs from just walking up a flight of stairs. My brain is convinced not to completely believe it until I see that baby on the ultrasound monitor at 10 weeks.
The 10 week ultrasound was when we discovered our first baby didn’t make it.
Everyone experiences heartache and awful situations differently. I can say I used the coping mechanism of being “too okay” or “too accepting” as my way to make it through one of the most heartbreaking experiences I have ever had to live with. A smiling face to the crowd and tears while I drove alone were my reality. Experiencing a pregnancy now after losing my first has placed a lot of conflict in my mind.
This is my experience with pregnancy after a loss.
Pregnancy after a loss is holding my breath before checking to see if there is any blood every time I use the restroom. It’s my mind wandering when I feel an ache or pain in my lower stomach hoping I am not absorbing another baby or beginning another miscarriage.
Pregnancy after a loss is wanting people to know but simultaneously being afraid you’ll have to go through the “I’m so sorry”’s and “If you need anything”’s again. It’s being less excited this time to share the news with your family and close friends. It’s extra texts about how you’re feeling because they too are afraid you’ll lose the baby.
Pregnancy after a loss is not letting my brain plan ahead this time. A Christmas baby is the extent that my brain will allow. There are no cute pregnancy reveal ideas or plans for a nursery in my head.
Pregnancy after a loss is already preparing my mind and heart for the 10 week ultrasound, just in case there is nothing to be seen on the screen again.
Pregnancy after a loss is hoping people don’t bring it up some days but then wanting to talk about it on others with no warning of which day it’ll be when I wake up.
Nothing about pregnancy is certain..
All I know for sure is every morning when I wake up and every night before I close my eyes to fall asleep I put my hands on my stomach and say aloud “I know you’re in there and I know you’ll be okay” as if I am speaking it into existence.
