Heartbeats

Heartbeats..

They are what separate us.

Alive from free.

The morning of my ultrasound I tried to distract myself at work as the hours ticked by quickly.

Around 11 o’clock we met at the ultrasound office and sat in the waiting room for what seemed like an eternity.

Finally my name was called and we headed back. She asked questions about my health.

The question “What number pregnancy is this for you?” stung a little as I answered with “This is my second, we had a miscarriage in January.”

I held my breath while the screen turned on and an image appeared.

THERE IS A BABY!!!!! my mind screamed. There is a baby on the screen this time.

I would have thought in that moment I would have started to breathe but something in my gut told me to wait.

She took many measurements in between pausing over the baby for a few seconds at a time.

Something was wrong.. I could feel it.

She didn’t speak a word as she continued to take more measurements.

A big rectangle came up on the screen with a grey scale of blurred lines where she paused and again nothing on the screen moved or changed.

I swear my heart stopped beating in that moment.

I have never researched ultrasounds, I am by no means a professional with reading them but I just knew there should have been movement in those pauses she took. There should have been a heartbeat visible on the screen.

She hands me the paper-towels and tells us she will be right back.

The moment the door closes behind her, I immediately look to James and say “Something is wrong. I didn’t see a heartbeat on the screen. She didn’t speak the whole time she was in here.”

James states we should wait for them to come tell us that for sure.

But I am already panicking because I know what I didn’t see on that screen.

Another eternity passes as we sit in silence in that dark room with images of our perfect looking baby on the monitor beside us.

She enters the room and says “You can head on over to the OB now, they will squeeze you in between appointments”

I know what that means… it is what was said to me the last time I left that exact room knowing I was not carrying a healthy baby anymore.

I say “okay” and she speaks again.

“I am so sorry to tell you this but your baby doesn’t have a heartbeat.”

I respond with “I know”

She apologizes again and I say “it’s okay” where she replies “It really isn’t though, it’s awful and I am truly sorry.”

We collect our things and leave.

Tears come between the ultrasound office and the OB but I walk in with a brave face, James beside me.

The doctor makes her way into our room and explains why this occurrence happens.

She explains that it is a genetic mishap, that it is very common and it is nothing we did or didn’t do.

She tells us how some women will have a few consecutive loses before having a health baby.

She explains the testing we could choose to have completed.

She explains the 3 options I have with moving forward.

She explains the warning signs and complications.

She lets me choose with reassurance that I can change my mind at any time.

So I make a choice.

My choice would mean the possibility of carrying this baby for an additional 8 weeks before my body recognizes it needs to react.

My choice is carrying this baby with no heartbeat close to my own until I no longer have that choice anymore.