I am a mother

Today is bereaved Mother’s Day.

A day I wish I didn’t have connection to.

But I do, just like so many of you do too.

While lying here next to my sleeping son listening to his breath with my other baby tucked into his cozy bed I reflect on my motherhood journey.

4 babies.

3 pregnancies.

1 live birth.

I’ve become a mother in 4 different ways in the last 2 1/2 years.

First to a sweet baby boy with an unknown fate accepted into our home and cared for with an immense amount of love that I can’t describe in a way others would understand. Like I stepped in to be his mama bear, to protect him whether that was for a short time, forever or anywhere in between.

Then to 2 babies I never had the chance to know outside of my womb. 2 sweet angels watching over us now.

And our boy Gideon. The miracle double rainbow after a full year of loss and doubt.

Finally, the day our son legally became ours in the eyes of the court system. The day we swore to care for him as we would a natural born child.

A mother to a foster baby, 2 angels, a biological child and finally Oden’s forever.

3 pregnancies in 1 calendar year.

I wonder what they would have looked like. What their voices would sound like. How their laugh would ring in my ears and their skin would feel with their cheeks pressed against mine.

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If either of them would have been placed into my arms alive and healthy my sweet, funny, wild Gideon wouldn’t exist.

It’s such a strange feeling. To be sad and happy at the same time. Sad I didn’t get to know either of them, happy that Gideon is alive.

Those losses taught me a lot about myself both as a human and as a mother.

I believe we can love our children “just as much” but that we love them differently. The same as each human on this planet is different.

Oden was my first baby. The boy who taught me to be a mama and loved me through my toughest times. The boy I fought like hell for when he needed me and I will continue to fight for the rest of my life. Our bond is just so pure and so chosen.

Gideon was carried and created by me. He is half my being. I felt his body before I could even lay eyes on him. I’ve been his source of survival since the day he was created and the connection we have is so interwoven.

My angels. To love them and lose them is just something you have to experience to grasp. To lose my first biological child was unimaginable. Then to lose my second was a living nightmare.

Rationally I knew it wasn’t my fault. But your mind tries to make sense of things that don’t make sense. So it places blame. How could I have done things differently.

There is a different kind of love when you feel you’ve let them down. It’s heartache and love all tangled together. I so desperately wanted each of them.

They say you think your heart is so full with one child then with each child you add your heart just grows and makes more room.

I have room for all 4 of my children. But 2 spaces are often a little empty. No smiles and giggles to fill the void. No little eyes watching. No little hands reaching for me. So I remember back to the days before we knew they were gone and those memories of excitement help fill in those empty spaces for a bit.

I am a mother.

In so many ways.

I have 4 children.

2 Earth side and 2 watching from Heaven.